Reasons Why You Should Probably (not) Be Friends With Me

I have a strange compulsion to text all the time. I think it's because I have a fear that if I do not constantly text my hand will contract gangrene and will have to be amputated. Below I have compiled a rather extensive list of texts that I have sent or strange things that I have said that make me completely awesome.

Texts:

Sent: I just ran over horse poop is that bad luck?

Sent: She was thinking "What sounds super bada** for this beast of a baby?". That's what she was thinking.

Sent: (referring to the radar on Highway 113) I hate that blinky sign, it's like it's judging me for speeding. Oh hey look at me I blink and you're doing something WRONG! Like the radar hasn't sped before. Is sped a word?

Sent: -dehydrated- -died-

Sent: (after not receiving a response) Hello? Don't you love me? Dehydration!

Sent: (after suggesting that we steal a car) Tell them that we're playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and we were looking for hookers to shoot. Duh.

Sent: (discussing a friend being hit on by an ugly person) You should be like "Thanks now I have to go tend to my garage full of dead babies!"

Things I have said...

Martin: "Why are all those cars parked there?"

Mallory: "That's a car lot."

Martin: "Why are there so many cops there!"
Waylon: "That's the police station."

Martin: "You are such a lesbi-slut"

Martin: "I didn't know Church's delivered." (after seeing what I thought was a bicycle and a hot/cold bag [it was a row of chairs and a rolled up rug])

Things you will NOT find on my eHarmony profile...

I'm prone to drooling on people.

I think it's funny to sneeze on you.

I think your reaction is even better.

If you tickle me I will punch you in the face.

I like things that have to do with punching.

I'm probably a serial killer.

I'm definitely a serial killer.

Just kidding...or am I?