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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Piggly Wiggly Equals Death


Piggly Wiggly is a utopia for elderly women, like the cast of Golden Girls, and seemingly homeless men with beer/pee stained overalls and extreme forest like man fur. It has asbestos in the ceiling and is covered in E. Coli. It's a cholera infection waiting to happen. This grocery store has a very strict dress code, if you are a woman you must either find the most unflattering shortest pair of shorts you have and pair it with a Dixie Outfitter's shirt unless you're over the age of 65 then you have to wear some form of floral print night gown, if you are a male you must find some form of cowboy or work boots and tuck your obviously too large jeans into your boots and tuck your shirt which will have some form of "I'm a redneck" slogan into your high rise jeans that should have been retired in the '90s. There are some groundbreaking fashion exceptions that happen in the store like the beer stained men in overalls with forest like man fur protruding out of every visible hole of their body. I simply cannot keep up with the latest styles these days, so I scout the local Piggly Wiggly to see what is "hot" this season.
This store has apparently recently went under some groundbreaking renovation and "it's not so bad" anymore...or that's what I've heard. I cannot bring myself to go into the store for fear of being mugged by people with no teeth. I give props to everyone that can fearlessly go into that store. I typically don't enjoy seeing meth seeping out of someone's pores, but this place just raises the bar! So all of this brings us to the problem. I was craving cake. Like worse than a pregnant woman wants to eat tree bark.

Me: I want cake.

Dad: Go to Piggly Wiggly and get cake, while you're there get me coffee creamer.

Me: Piggly Wiggly has asbestos.

Dad: Not in their cake.

This comment did not help my fear of Piggly Wiggly nor did it help my craving for cake.


I did without cake.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Confessions of a Procrastinator

I get distracted with things like taking pictures of fake flowers!
I need help.

I feel like maybe I have some off the wall case of ADHD that keeps me from participating competently in every day life and that's kind of depressing...but then I get distracted and start thinking about other things so it doesn't really matter anyway. However, the ADHD keeps me from doing vital things in my life...sort of like breathing. If I were in charge of my own breathing I would certainly be dead by now due to forgetting to breathe. Obviously. Try to keep up. So I've finally made it all the way around the internet and back to my blog! HOORAY! I definitely wouldn't mind doing this for a living...even though I will probably have to live with my parents forever...I don't think they'll care...maybe. Maybe I can find a nice basement to inhabit like those creepy guys you see on movies that sit there in their underwear and their Star Trek t-shirts watching Battlestar Gallactica and wondering if they'll ever lose their virginity like Steve Carell in that one movie.

I don't know...that doesn't really seem like me.

Or maybe it does. I'm not such a fan of Battlestar Gallactica though. Maybe I'm broken. Anyway. So far in life I have procrastinated on getting a real people job. I am simply not cut out for today's work force. They want you to do so many things...like work. Isn't there a job out there where I can do ....nothing? It doesn't have to pay much just enough to pay for the little things like trips to far away islands and a condo on the beach. I don't think I'm asking for too much here. I think the world should help me out here. (I'm a democrat remember)

Another wonderful thing I'm procrastinating on is growing up! I think that's like some sort of biological, psychological state of being that I'm not capable of completing. I feel like I'm going to be one of those people that wait until they're 50 to want a baby and then they're like oh crap my uterus has already retired...WELL I have news for you people! I will grow up before my uterus retires! Maybe. If I remember to try.

What is up with me posting during the middle of the night? It's like I'm incapable of sleeping before 3 A.M. and I don't even sleep late. At 9 A.M. every morning the sun unfortunately lights up my entire room against my will. No respect. I swear. So I guess what I'm trying to say is my inability to get shit done will end up one day affecting my life in some way. But luckily it procrastinates too.