Sunday, September 26, 2010

Piggly Wiggly Equals Death

Piggly Wiggly is a utopia for elderly women, like the cast of Golden Girls, and seemingly homeless men with beer/pee stained overalls and extreme forest like man fur. It has asbestos in the ceiling and is covered in E. Coli. It's a cholera infection waiting to happen. This grocery store has a very strict dress code, if you are a woman you must either find the most unflattering shortest pair of shorts you have and pair it with a Dixie Outfitter's shirt unless you're over the age of 65 then you have to wear some form of floral print night gown, if you are a male you must find some form of cowboy or work boots and tuck your obviously too large jeans into your boots and tuck your shirt which will have some form of "I'm a redneck" slogan into your high rise jeans that should have been retired in the '90s. There are some groundbreaking fashion exceptions that happen in the store like the beer stained men in overalls with forest like man fur protruding out of every visible hole of their body. I simply cannot keep up with the latest styles these days, so I scout the local Piggly Wiggly to see what is "hot" this season.
This store has apparently recently went under some groundbreaking renovation and "it's not so bad" anymore...or that's what I've heard. I cannot bring myself to go into the store for fear of being mugged by people with no teeth. I give props to everyone that can fearlessly go into that store. I typically don't enjoy seeing meth seeping out of someone's pores, but this place just raises the bar! So all of this brings us to the problem. I was craving cake. Like worse than a pregnant woman wants to eat tree bark.

Me: I want cake.

Dad: Go to Piggly Wiggly and get cake, while you're there get me coffee creamer.

Me: Piggly Wiggly has asbestos.

Dad: Not in their cake.

This comment did not help my fear of Piggly Wiggly nor did it help my craving for cake.

I did without cake.

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