Why It Takes Me Forever To Leave My House

Every time I get ready to go somewhere I have to gather roughly around nine million objects to take with me. Usually these objects are irrelevant to where I'm going, it just makes me happy to have them with me, e.g. Chapstick, deodorant, extra outfit, bear repellent, unicorn magic. I have to make myself go through a step by step process to get all of the items out of the house and into my car. This process usually kills about thirty minutes to an hour of my life and unfortunately I'll never get that time back. It's like it is physically impossible for me to get all of the items I need BEFORE I get in my car. Here's the usual process:

1. Make sure you have all the items and head out to your car.

2. Realize you forgot your cell phone in the one spot it has reception in your house.

3. Go back to your recently locked front door and realize you left your house key in your car.

4. Unlock your front door and get your phone.

5. Forget that you left your keys in some random spot that is totally NOT where you left them.

6. Finally locate keys and get in car.

7. Realize your forgot your ID, money AND your glasses.

8. Repeat steps 1-7 only with different items.

I apologize to anyone whom I may have made late in this process. Oh look I found my keys!

Camping...

There are very few times when I dare to venture into the woods and force myself to stay there in primitive conditions in a vinyl sack for shelter. Armed with just an air mattress and a comforter from my household bed, my friends and I decided it would be a terrible GREAT idea to go camping! No. Just no. First of all the campground we were going to go to only had "non-electrical" sites left, and let me tell you I am NOT camping without electricity because as soon as my phone goes dead I will be attacked by a rabid beaver and not have any way to call for help. So, we found an alternate campsite in the backwoods....yeah.

Well the person giving us directions politely left out the fact that you weren't supposed to turn at the first road with the sign for the campground, but instead turn at the second one. Twenty-five miles later we were pretty much lost. This road wasn't even named. We turned on a road that was all "HEY RECREATION AREA THIS WAY WOOO", turns out that sign is a dirty liar! Turning around was our only option. After we corrected that gargantuan mistake we made we found the right road! It doesn't get better. We drove for a long time and saw another sign that was all "HEY GUESS WHAT RECREATION AREA THIS WAY YEAHHH!!" and I was all "I'm not falling for THAT again." After about four more miles we passed a teeny tiny sign that was all "campground this way -->" and two dirt roads, a startled deer family, and a few trees later we found the campground.

Upon reaching the campground, I had this sinking feeling that was like "what have I done", but I ignored it because usually my instincts are wrong anyway! Not. We paid our campground fee and set up our tents. Now, two people like Mallory and me trying to set up a tent is like watching a paraplegic monkey dance for coins. AFTER that fiasco was over (Mallory didn't have stakes for her tent so in the event of a windstorm she would have blown away). All was well and we were all "YEAH WE'RE EFFING CAMPERS" until we realized we didn't pack enough food....

Hm.

Yeah.

So after the HOUR it took to go get food from town, we got back only to find that our camp had been invaded by LARGE BEAR-MUTATED CREATURES aka opossums. They were hidden in the woods being all "Hey we're large and in charge rustling these leaves." So I was all brave and hid on the top of my car while Mallory found a flashlight. That was a fun conversation that went a little like this:

Me: They can't get me up here. (Hiding on top of car)

Mallory: GET THE F*@#^$& FLASHLIGHT HOLY COWWWW!!!!

Me: I'm not getting the flashlight...

Mallory: GET IT!!!

Me: It's your flashlight.

ME: 1 Mallory: 0

Then the opossums got mad because we were shining a light on them so they left. All went well for a little while and then we laid down to go to sleep, and then I hit the reality that I forgot to pack a pillow. So while trying to sleep the bearopossums came back and decided to make loud angry woodsy noises outside of our tent causing me and Mallory to arm ourselves with the flashlight. Again, we beat them with our light power. I was sleeping peacefully when I woke up to coyotes howling at 3 A.M.

The next morning we packed up and went home.

Where's an Aztec Virgin when I need one...

This is why you stay off of Omegle late at night:

Stranger: well...they're a stranger. I call him Debbie.

You: Me...

Stranger: Hey

You: hello!

Stranger: What's up?

You: nothing at all! i just had a conversation with someone who wanted me to have sex with a dog! my night is AWESOME -_-

Stranger: I sense so

Stranger: Some sarcasm*

You: lol don't joke. i can see you turning green with envy.

Stranger: Yeah I wish I met more people who were into beastealiy

You: who doesn't? how are you?

Stranger: Horny now haha jk I'm good and you?

You: i'm about two more psychos away from dancing it out in my kitchen to old school Brittney.

Stranger: Haha that is the weirdest reaction I've heard

You: lol really?

Stranger: Yeah people are usually like I swear I'm going to stab a bitch or something like that

You: oh. well that's usually me after i have a few more drinks and ready access to kitchenware.

Stranger: Haha well at least dancing is alot less violent

You: yes. unless you're doing a "let's sacrifice a virgin so the sun god will save our crops" dance.

Stranger: And it includes less jailtime

You: another perk. but bad crops.

Stranger: Hmmm well that's just a sacrifice well have to make

You: what? jail time or healthy crops? because i really like my vegetables.

You: where's an aztec virgin when you need them!

Stranger: I was going to say healthy crops is a sacrifice

Stranger: And all the Aztecs are dead

You: what a debbie downer.

Stranger: Maybe a Mexican virgin will work

You: cause you're all "AZTECS ARE DEAD, LEMME RAIN ON YOUR PARADE" well guess what! I won't settle for Mexican.

Stranger: Hmm well I'm bit into jail any more cus I don't feel like getting raped by a large man

You: you just have to show them who's boss. or find a huge man and give him your bojangles in exchange for protection.

You: chances are you'll catch hepatitis. but that's another sacrifice.

Despite Popular Belief, I am NOT Justin Bieber...

No really...I'm not. This is the THIRD time someone I have never met before in my life has compared me to Justin Bieber. I mean SERIOUSLY. No. This is just....no. THIS IS WORSE THAN THE BOOB VIDEO. How dare they? I do not look like a rat do not favor Justin's facial features. I have composed a side by side image rendition to show you people that Justin Bieber looks totally like a mole rat different than I do. So here you go! See what you make me do? You make me post poor photos of myself making THE POUTY PUPPY FACE. Do you really want that on your conscience? I mean really? Every time you compare me to J-Biebs, God kills a kitten. Think about it. Think before you call me the Biebster. Totally different hairstyles mine is cooler , different bone structure, different teeth, AND I'M PALE! Like not just pale, but pure placid. I make ghosts look tan. I go out on the beach and people have to wear sunglasses to LOOK at me. Okay I think I'm finished ranting. Just to recap: Martin does not equal J-Biebs. God kills kittens when you think that. FOR SHAME. Do not let them down.

Piggly Wiggly Equals Death

Piggly Wiggly is a utopia for elderly women, like the cast of Golden Girls, and seemingly homeless men with beer/pee stained overalls and extreme forest like man fur. It has asbestos in the ceiling and is covered in E. Coli. It's a cholera infection waiting to happen. This grocery store has a very strict dress code, if you are a woman you must either find the most unflattering shortest pair of shorts you have and pair it with a Dixie Outfitter's shirt unless you're over the age of 65 then you have to wear some form of floral print night gown, if you are a male you must find some form of cowboy or work boots and tuck your obviously too large jeans into your boots and tuck your shirt which will have some form of "I'm a redneck" slogan into your high rise jeans that should have been retired in the '90s. There are some groundbreaking fashion exceptions that happen in the store like the beer stained men in overalls with forest like man fur protruding out of every visible hole of their body. I simply cannot keep up with the latest styles these days, so I scout the local Piggly Wiggly to see what is "hot" this season.

This store has apparently recently went under some groundbreaking renovation and "it's not so bad" anymore...or that's what I've heard. I cannot bring myself to go into the store for fear of being mugged by people with no teeth. I give props to everyone that can fearlessly go into that store. I typically don't enjoy seeing meth seeping out of someone's pores, but this place just raises the bar! So all of this brings us to the problem. I was craving cake. Like worse than a pregnant woman wants to eat tree bark.

Me: I want cake.

Dad: Go to Piggly Wiggly and get cake, while you're there get me coffee creamer.

Me: Piggly Wiggly has asbestos.

Dad: Not in their cake.

This comment did not help my fear of Piggly Wiggly nor did it help my craving for cake.

I did without cake.

Confessions of a Procrastinator

I get distracted with things like taking pictures of fake flowers!

I need help.

I feel like maybe I have some off the wall case of ADHD that keeps me from participating competently in every day life and that's kind of depressing...but then I get distracted and start thinking about other things so it doesn't really matter anyway. However, the ADHD keeps me from doing vital things in my life...sort of like breathing. If I were in charge of my own breathing I would certainly be dead by now due to forgetting to breathe. Obviously. Try to keep up. So I've finally made it all the way around the internet and back to my blog! HOORAY! I definitely wouldn't mind doing this for a living...even though I will probably have to live with my parents forever...I don't think they'll care...maybe. Maybe I can find a nice basement to inhabit like those creepy guys you see on movies that sit there in their underwear and their Star Trek t-shirts watching Battlestar Gallactica and wondering if they'll ever lose their virginity like Steve Carell in that one movie.

I don't know...that doesn't really seem like me.

Or maybe it does. I'm not such a fan of Battlestar Gallactica though. Maybe I'm broken. Anyway. So far in life I have procrastinated on getting a real people job. I am simply not cut out for today's work force. They want you to do so many things...like work. Isn't there a job out there where I can do ....nothing? It doesn't have to pay much just enough to pay for the little things like trips to far away islands and a condo on the beach. I don't think I'm asking for too much here. I think the world should help me out here. (I'm a democrat remember)

Another wonderful thing I'm procrastinating on is growing up! I think that's like some sort of biological, psychological state of being that I'm not capable of completing. I feel like I'm going to be one of those people that wait until they're 50 to want a baby and then they're like oh crap my uterus has already retired...WELL I have news for you people! I will grow up before my uterus retires! Maybe. If I remember to try.

What is up with me posting during the middle of the night? It's like I'm incapable of sleeping before 3 A.M. and I don't even sleep late. At 9 A.M. every morning the sun unfortunately lights up my entire room against my will. No respect. I swear. So I guess what I'm trying to say is my inability to get shit done will end up one day affecting my life in some way. But luckily it procrastinates too.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, Bill O' Reilly, and the 'R' word.

Oh, Shirley Phelps-Roper, you are one big sack of crazy. I need to get the name of her hair stylist because her hair looks AMAZING in whatever interview she's in (usually defending her sanity). Just take a look here! Yes, that IS her to the left. Isn't she lovely?! If you don't know who Shirley Phelps-Roper is you're missing out on a lot of quality entertainment. This woman goes around protesting everything. For example, she protests military funerals (Douche? Why yes I think so.), high schools, other churches, etc. Her message is the usual "God hates you and everything you do including your friends and children and he has double hate for you if you like someone of the same sex and ESPECIALLY if you're a democrat" kind of thing.

Like a lot of visionary (deranged) people her justification is, "God made me do it!". Sure he did! Just like Allah made those crazy Muslims crash into the WTC! The thing that really entertains me about her is the fact that she will argue to the death about her cause when there's really no validity for it at all. Every newscaster that I've seen interview her usually loses their patience and starts resorting to childlike behavior only on a more intellectual scale using their big people words like "abomination" and one anchor even went on to calling her the devil. Her response was actually to call her a bimbo. She called the nice Asian lady a bimbo on television. You can't write that. Of course everyone's first reaction is to be super angry at this obviously mentally deranged person, but my reaction is to laugh because I know that she has to have like Radon poisoning or something. Maybe she lives near a nuclear reactor?

Speaking of news anchors, what is up with Bill O' Reilly lately? Usually he spews his verbal "I hate everything that's not right wing conservative and I will portray everything in a way that is not true" jargon, but here recently he's taken to attacking celebrities? First Jennifer Aniston for her 'R' word slip and then one of the Kardashian bimbos for prowling on Justin Bieber. Talk about a cock block. I'm sorry Bill, I thought you actually cared about misconstruing your serious journalism facts on Fox News are you sure you wouldn't be better suited for...I don't know...the E! channel?

The punctuation for this blog was shot to hell in the first paragraph so I've just accepted that fact and will continue making simple grammatical errors until I get arrested. Any takers?